Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
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Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.