“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
You Might Also Like
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Things will get butter, keep churning
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.