“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
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oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Meme Monday.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through