Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
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6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
that lip filler tho
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?