My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
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My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down