Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
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*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
I need to update my racial profile.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.