Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
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Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.