“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
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It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Nigella has gone too far this time.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.