Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
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I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green