I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
You Might Also Like
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.