Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
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vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
back to work
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
we’re dead?
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Generation gap…
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.