jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
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Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser