I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
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Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken