A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
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I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Guilty! 🤪
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Don’t talk down to me
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.