Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
You Might Also Like
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.