All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
You Might Also Like
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
[eulogy]
line?
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Barbie gone wild
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.