8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
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In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Chicken bread
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.