“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
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Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?