Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
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Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
mom had nothing to worry about