I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
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Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Safety first
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.