THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
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My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier