It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
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I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
What?
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts