me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
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I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
We need more people like this.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow