That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
You Might Also Like
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.