I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
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ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats