I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
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People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Auto correct is my worst enema.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.