there has never been a better use of this meme
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[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
May have had one breakfast too many
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.