Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
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Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW