me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
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What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident