[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
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My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
the rocks need my help
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there