When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
You Might Also Like
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Bringing home a sharpie
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.