that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
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911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?