back to work
You Might Also Like
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)