The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
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Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I’m an avid indoorsman.