Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
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ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Doggies just call it style.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”