[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
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When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”