Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
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if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
what could possibly go wrong?
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.