My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
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I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people