kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
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I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
White Castle for the Win
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*