[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
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I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
some Old Testament wisdom
o shit