I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
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Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
be careful
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist