Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
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Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
fr
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
getting groceries
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.