“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
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I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
❤️❤️❤️
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?