“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
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every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.