hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
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We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter