My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
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Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.