I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
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*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food