ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
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If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.