[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
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Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.