[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
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Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
🙅🏻
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall